Thursday, February 18, 2016

My Marriage

My Love and I on our wedding day.

It's been 5 months of marriage for Nygel and I. In this short time, I have already learned so much.  Marriage is truly a different ball game from dating. You do change, but it can be a positive change if you let it.  These are things that I have been working on before our marriage as well.  You can't be successful in marriage if you were not preparing for this journey. Here are some of the things that I'm learning/adjusting to:

You have to learn how to communicate:
        I communicate better when I am able to have time to think and write down my thoughts.  That is not always the case when I need to share how I am feeling with Nygel. I also had the habit of holding onto what was bothering me and he clearly saw it on my face and I said nothing was wrong in an attempt to "let it go." I also did this because of my past relationships.  Guys really did not want to hear what's on my mind. I've learned that it's much easier to just go ahead and talk about it.
        He likes to know what's on my mind. He even "checks in" with me to make sure he's doing what he needs to fulfill my needs.  It caught me off guard at first because I wasn't expecting it, but how awesome is that?! You are able to check in often with your significant other to make sure they are taken care of. It seems like something so simple and easy right?  The truth is we get so caught up in our day to day lives, we can lose touch with our partner.  Work life can be very demanding and stressful at times and we can carry that home with us. I look forward to going home to my best friend  venting, talking and laughing about life and our day to day.
         The way you deliver a message also impacts the response you receive.  I am more conscious of my tone when speaking to him.

Learn how he likes to be loved:
        Everyone has what is called their "Love Language." This means there are certain ways you like to be loved.  You may not realize it, but you are more responsive to certain acts of affection over others.
        I have to pay attention to his feelings. Show him love and affection.  The thing about love and affection, it has to be in the way he sees love and receives love. I was showing him love through things like cooking for him and making sure he didn't have to worry much and be at peace at home and to spend time with him.  While he appreciated what I did, he didn't connect with me or respond in the way I hoped.
        He needs to be touched and told he's loved regularly. I send him random messages letting him know I am thinking of him and how I appreciate him.  I show him he's wanted and needed. I play video games and watch anime with him.  I take genuine interest in what he likes. This change or adjustment did not happen overnight for me.  I refuse to let my man go out into the world not satisfied.

You have to believe in your spouse:
        Most people in general have ambitions, goals, and dreams.  I am a believer that a man without a vision or doesn't have a goal will be a restless and at times unhappy soul.  If you cannot truly support your man in what he wants out of life, there will be problems in your relationship. As his wife, I have the job of supporting and believing in him.  I am also be his ear and guide as to helping him go in the right direction and staying on track.  He and I discuss our goals and aspirations and how to achieve them TOGETHER.
        For example he is writing books.  We talk about his characters and what makes sense.  I read though chapters to see if it is getting the message across in the way he wants it to be conveyed or he just wants my thoughts as a reader.  Me competing as a bodybuilder, Nygel supports me by training with me in the gym.  Days I may not want to go, he will push me to go. He will help me with my posing for the stage.

You have to submit:
        Not allowing a man to be a man is a problem many of us women have today (That's a topic for another day.).  I mean yes we have our own car, our own place, and can pay our own bills, but now it's time to have a partner to help take on your load. Good men are groomed to work and be providers. He is the leader of your household. When you are handling everything yourself, what do you need a man for? When agreeing be a man's wife before God, your family and friends, in my mind, you agreeing this man is the right man to lead you in the direction God would have your family to go. This mean trusting the decisions he makes.  That's not to say that you don't counsel him and give your input for what is best for your family, but you two need to touch and agree on the decisions and work as a team.
        Nygel and I have and will disagree on how to handle certain situations and that's normal.  What I have learned to do is allow him time to come to the decision that works best for us.  I know he does the same for me. He may not get it in the time that I want, but he gets it just in the time we need. Unless it is something that will be detrimental to our lives, we can agree to disagree and support each other.  It's also what many call choosing your battles wisely. I trust that he will make the right decision for my family. You cannot be a selfish married person.  The world doesn't revolve around just you anymore.  You have someone else's livelihood to consider in connection with your own.
I am in no way shape or form a marriage guru.  I have not been at it long enough, but these are things that have helped us grown in the very important beginning stages of our marriage.  Love isn't a destination. It is a journey with your lover as your companion. We are constantly changing.  Our goal is to work hard to stay in tuned with the other. We are working hard to stay connected and I know we will constantly adjust when factors change in out lives.  Being open to change and adjustments and compromise has been my saving grace.

Find out your Love Language here

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